Forgiving Yourself For Not Being Able To

Today was one of those days that was a series of one failed attempt after another. Around 5pm, I was ready to throw my hands in the air and crawl back into bed. I felt like a failure at being a girlfriend because so much of the day-to-day onus fell on Seiya’s shoulders.

He went over to his place to pack up some more stuff and bring it here.  By the way, our room currently looks like an episode of hoarders.  Combining two lives into one bedroom is quite a challenge.  While he was out, my stomach started acting up.  It felt like someone had shot me in the stomach with a cannon. Okay. So realistically a canon probably hurts more.  So when he called me to ask for help unloading his car I couldn’t help him.  Then we needed to go to my mother’s to get wedding stuff and have a family friend fix my computer.  I couldn’t go.  Seiya had to go by himself to take care of those things.

Thankfully I was able to pull off making him dinner while he was gone.  I made an Italian chicken (pre-marinated), roasted potatoes and a salad with a strawberry vinaigrette.

I hate not being able to pull my weight. I hate not being able to do what I’m supposed to.  I hate feeling like somehow I am not enough.  I think all people with a chronic illness feel this way some time.

And for me the best way to handle it is to be reminded by Seiya that I do try and everyone has bad days.  And to remind myself of this as well. I try to remember a line from my favorite book/movie, “Tomorrow is fresh with no mistakes in it…yet.”  I like that ‘yet’ part because while tomorrow is a fresh start. It won’t be prefect, but I can do my best to make it as close to perfect as it can be.


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