Living with IBS

o I have IBS (as well as other things). It’s a pretty crappy diagnosis. For those who don’t know – IBS is Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Ooooh! Yikes! You would think I’d said the f word. Many people fear things like talking in public or spiders. I fear not being able to get to a toilet. Legit. A few years ago I was looking at guys online and they would all say they were smart and funny. That’s good and all, but I want a guy who will be willing to talk about poop anywhere at anytime cause shit happens and it happens to me a lot.

I once met this man and he would fart and act like nothing happened. He’d be talking and fart and wouldn’t even flinch. You’d think the first few times – did this really happen? You start to wonder who the crazy one is! Anyway, I thought he was crazy until my IBS got bad a few years ago. Now I think farting in public should be the norm.  Why hold it in and suffer pain?

The other day I was at a fair and I checked behind me to make sure nobody was there and let one rip.  Guess there was a guy in my blind spot because next thing you know my boyfriend is giving me this look. I was embarrassed until my boyfriend says, “That’s my girl!”

You know you have a good man when he’s not embarrassed by your farting.

So I was  a teacher, but  IBS and teaching don’t mix.  I’d be giving this great lesson about World War II and suddenly I’d feel  like there was a massacre in my stomach and my butt decides to chime in for sound effects. And that was a good day.  On a bad day, it was more like, “Do problems 1-30. I’ll be in the bathroom if you have any questions.”  If you are a guy, just tell them I am your teacher and the other teachers will understand.

Because I am chronically ill. I can’t work now.  I like to tell people that I have retired at the age of 34.  Makes me sound rich instead of sick. Being retired at 34 sounds fun until I realize that unlike my friends who are trying to climb the corporate ladder, my goals is just to climb out of bed.  My friends will tell me that they are working on a project at work. I tell them I’m working on a project to Level 338 in Candy Crush.

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